Why Self-Care Doesn’t Have to Look Instagram-Perfect
Self-care has become a performance. From bubble baths (with candles appropriately placed) to morning smoothies (next to a yoga mat that’s been rolled out perfectly). From the face mask worn inside the plush white bathrobe to who even knows what else. But you know what’s not good for you? All of that. Instead, what’s good for you is sticky, boring, good-for-you stuff and doing things over and over again for how they feel, not how they look. And a lot of it happens when no one’s watching.
What’s Performative & What’s Not
Performative self-care relies on certain products, lighting, and staging. Someone had to bend down and snap a picture of the perfectly organized yoga mat waiting next to the blender making green juice. That “lazy Sunday morning” with the perfectly framed coffee table was not just happenstance, it was a whole process.
And there’s nothing wrong with posting what’s aesthetically pleasing about your routine to get others’ opinions. Where it becomes problematic is when people start to think that self-care doesn’t count if it doesn’t look good, or self-care isn’t worth it unless it’s Instagram able, or aesthetic for the home feed gets away from, “Does this make me feel good?” to “Would this get me good likes?”
Therefore, the version of self-care that looks good is not sustainable. The version of self-care that looks good is boring to document. It’s going to bed at 9 PM even if you’re not tired (but should). It’s drinking enough water during the day. It’s wearing comfortable clothes even if it’s not a cute outfit and they don’t match well enough to please anyone else. These mundane ideas might not make great content—but they help people every single day.
Self-Care When No One’s Looking
The best self-care happens behind closed doors for no one to see. What you wear to sleep matters more than anyone realizes, but not because someone has to see it; because you’re wearing it for eight hours every night. So why do old pajama bottoms get such a bad rap? They shouldn’t!
Self-care only for yourself means investing in pajamas that are extremely comfortable for you. Brands like this is j focus on pajamas that feel good, soft yet breathable material. Pyjamas that feel good will become what you wear most because all that’s important when it comes to bedtime is your comfort. You might as well do something for yourself because you deserve it.
The same goes for personal comfort levels—using good hand soap when no one’s around. Good pillows. A good degree of temperature in your home. No one sees but you and how much they make you feel your best and most people merely do these things at the barest minimum and nothing less (which isn’t fair).
Stop Keeping Score of Self-Care
At some point, self-care became synonymous with productivity. Whether it’s meditation apps that develop streaks, workout ideas shared with friends, morning routines that capitalize on your best hours or all too often, sitting on the couch equals measurement instead of true productivity.
But resting is resting, and when you say “rest”, it mean literally doing nothing. It’s taking an afternoon off from doing absolutely nothing because you want to do nothing. It’s reading a book without purpose, merely enjoying the narrative for fiction’s sake. It’s saying “no” because it’s much cozier being left alone to do nothing, rather than having to offer everyone else something.
Not everything needs to be rewarding or valuable, and while it’s hard for people to understand because we feel guilty without some sort of evidence supporting our claims, the value in taking an afternoon nap or binge-watching television shows for no reason at all except for my own sake is just as valid as anything else my metrics might tell me.
The Little Thing That Makes the Big Difference
What people don’t realize about self-care is that small things over time mean more than grand ideas once a month. An at-home spa day, on average, once every four weeks sounds lovely and indulgent, but who’s it helping if no one wears pajamas every night that feel good?
It’s the little decision to make yourself warm and cozy in your own space repeatedly over time instead of letting yourself be miserable as if you need to prove something to others. Do you drink coffee from your favorite coffee mug or whatever’s clean? Do you give your back a nice stretch when it’s sore or suck it up? Do you change out of work clothes as soon as possible upon getting home, or keep your business casual on until dinnertime?
None of these decisions are important, but they reflect micro-choices we can always make for ourselves or completely ignore.
We’re better at self-care for others than ourselves. No one would ever serve guests on chipped plates or scratchy towels, but will do all that and more for themselves without batting an eye. Why? How inequitable is it to put others before ourselves when we would never treat others’ guests that way? Not being generous with ourselves by saving all the “good stuff” for others makes us hypocritical.
It sends a message that we aren’t worthy of the same treatment we would give anybody else.
The Shift in Mentality
The mentality that shifts everything is truly what’s better than anything that’s ever had recorded evidence in human history. The belief comes from accepting comfort and consideration, even if it’s not documented and no one ever sees it, and that belief takes time; when people grow up taught they have to account for everyone else first or it’s selfish—they have difficulty grasping this as adults and their self-care needs.
But when people start making choices based on how things feel instead of how they look or what kind of reception they’re going to get, everything changes. Buying pajamas because they’re comfortable, not because they’re cute or on sale, forgets about justifying the price unless they’re cute and appealing to anyone else.
People say no because they need another reason, they’re tired, or need another excuse, but can’t decline simply because they’d want a night in catching up on their favorite shows under their warm blanket.
No one wants anyone else to think they’re self-indulgent, but no one should ignore their responsibilities. Your comfort cannot come behind anyone else’s comfort; that’s unfair.
Aesthetics Are Not Bad but Shouldn’t Be the Focus
What’s also important is that sometimes these things happen to be aesthetically pleasing—but there’s no problem with that interpretation if they’re genuinely aesthetically pleasing and great feeling—because that’s the issue.
There’s no problem with taking something ugly/unappealing just so people know you “don’t care,” when that’s not virtuous at all.
Instead, it’s virtuous to take something into account while appealing even if no one else will see them (it’s better than mediocre quality). Good fabric feels better than cheap material; good design helps effectively and easily gauge utilization; well-thought-out materials mean more (even if it’s just in one’s head) when no one else is looking.
But when the point becomes caring about oneself through performance-based justifications to the detriment of what’s actually best for oneself regardless of aesthetics, then self-care truly fails to perform.
What Actually Works
Self-care is what’s going to make you feel cozy and well-rested enough to tackle everything life throws your way. Sometimes it’s wearing that face mask and taking an hour off from everything else while the candles burn before binge-watching yet another episode of whatever show you’re into now.
Other times? It’s going to bed early because it’s nice to wear soft pajamas different from the uncomfortable clothing you’ve been stuck in all day even if they’re not very cute.
Sometimes it’s ordering takeout instead of cooking; other times, it’s saying “no” instead of begrudgingly going somewhere (albeit with better excuses) because you’d much rather stay in.
Self-care should be about YOU, not what’s provable to others, and anything less isn’t worth it. It’s not important whether it should look good, unless it helps you first and foremost!